I stay at home. I work from home. I don’t go out. My social life basically revolves around the people here in the house, or the people I talk to online on a daily basis. I’m not bored. And no, this isn’t because of the COVID-19 pandemic and the Enhanced Community Quarantine. This is how I’ve been living since 2013. Oh, and there’s nothing boring about it.
For people who go to the office everyday, life like this is perfect. Or maybe super easy or convenient. I’d say convenient, yes. But super easy? You’ve got to be kidding me. When I started working, nobody told me it’s going to be this hard. Because. That’s just what it is. Nothing was ever simple. My point here is, it doesn’t matter if you go to the office or you work from home.You still have to work hard to earn money. Working ain’t never easy, and so is this thing called life.
It may seem a little petty for me to go posting this online, amidst all the crazy sh*t that’s been happening. There are a lot of people who need help, and who have problems bigger than what I’m rambling about. And I agree. I am one tiny speck in this huge world, and that is fine. I don’t intend to be “bigger” than anyone else. It’s just that I’ve been feeling down for what seemed like forever. I feel like I can’t tell anybody about it. I don’t want to tell anyone–and you might be wondering why I’m telling you this now. Well, I just don’t feel like opening up. It’s easier this way for me–telling you some stuff and knowing I won’t be judged. I can be sad with you, without me having to spill my guts. Like I always say, this is my home here. This is one place where I can be myself, where I can be lonely, happy and crazy, and all other kinds of things. But at times, I just want to stop. To not care at all. To not feel anything.
There’s a bunch of stuff in my head now, swimming in all directions, like tadpoles in a murky green pond. I honestly am trying to keep it together. Distracting myself with movies, audiobooks aren’t exactly working. I still feel awful, and I’m afraid it is going to be like this for a long time. There wasn’t exactly a tutorial or a lesson on how shut off thoughts and feelings. I wish there was, though.